Matt's blog

The story of me, an American in Edinburgh, Scotland finding my place as a musician, a husband, a father and a Christian.

Coming Clean

So, you may have noticed that my blog has become kind of shallow over the last few months, and there's a reason for that. I hope you've been enjoying the light-hearted and funny stuff, but I'm ready to get back to giving you more.

A few months ago, pretty much concurrently with the shallowification of this blog, I dropped out of the guitar program at the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama. Many of you know this already through personal conversation with me. I also put it in the Christmas letter which many of you will be receiving soon. (Actualy, I had Jeni write that part of the letter because I wasn't able to do it myself.) I have not mentioned it on the blog for a whole host of reasons, which I won't get into right now. I decided to drop out of the program after careful evaluation of my career goals and values. At that time I became aware that my primary desire is to work in a church. A master's degree in classical guitar performance would not hurt me in that pursuit, but it would not benefit me much, either. I realized that I was starting on a $25,000+ phase of my education simply so I could have the bragging rights that come with a European conservatoire degree. That is not the right motivation. When I realized this, I started burning out on guitar. Soon after, I submitted my resignation from the program.

I am feeling fragile right now. I didn't post about these events because I didn't feel at all sure about my actions. I still don't. For the last several months I have been a house-husband, cooking and cleaning for Jeni and I as she got deeper and deeper into vet school. I applied for a job nearby working at a homeless shelter but never heard back.

I of course have been thinking about ministry during this time. I am scared because part of me feels like I failed in my approach to music and I feel like so much more is at stake with ministry. I am going to spend a lot of time thinking and praying about this. Right now I am reading through the creeds and confessions contained in the Presbyterian Church U.S.A.'s Book of Confessions to try to discern how my personal faith really fits in with that of the tradition in which I was raised. Perhaps the Scottish air is bringing out the Presbyterian in me.

All in all, I don't really have a great handle on what is going on in life right now. I think I am in a time of self-discovery and renewal, which is exciting, but the reason I think that is because I feel so broken and humbled, which is frightening. Pray for me.

3 Responses to “Coming Clean”

  1. # Anonymous jenevieve

    Luckily for you, you have an excellent wife who loves you and supports you and is grateful for your husbandness.  

  2. # Anonymous ln

    Just wanted you to know that you are an amazing man of integrity and that I have every faith in you and the Lord that you will come out of this emotion laden time stronger and exactly where you need to be. I also miss you and Jeni madly. Happy Christmas!  

  3. # Anonymous Anastasia

    i will pray for you. dropping out was not a failure, if that's what you're thinking. And i have a suspicion you're headed for full-time ministry, though I certainly don't know for sure. I do think this is what discerning your calling looks like. and you'll figure out what that is in time.  

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