Matt's blog

The story of me, an American in Edinburgh, Scotland finding my place as a musician, a husband, a father and a Christian.


A Post!

Well, for those of you who may be wondering, the last several weeks have not been easy for me for some reason. I'm experiencing wild swings into deep depression unlike anything I've felt since high school. I have no clue why this is. After my Dad died I noticed that that experience was by far the hardest and most painful one I had ever gone through, but somehow the emotions weren't as overwhelming and ones I had experienced before. Now, after my Dad died the emotions were stronger and more real and the situation far worse than anything in high school, but I didn't get swept up in them. In the last few weeks, even though nothing extraordinary is happening in my life, I'm suffering recurrent bouts of serious depression and entertaining some thoughts which I considered in years, along with some new ones. Oddly enough, as I write this right now, I'm not feeling that way. More on that in a moment. When I wrote the last post I was feeling that way. I don't really know who reads this blog, but due to the lack of comments I'd say it's safe to say that none of my readers are people who can sympathize (please be aware of my sarcasm and let me know if I'm wrong).

If someone could invent alcoholic Henry Weinhard's Root Beer for me I'll give you $20. And don't just tell me to pour vodka in, I've done it before but every time I touch our bottle of Stoli my hand smells like sour, rotten garlic for a week. No really, it's true, ask Jeni. That's one of the main reasons I stick to gin. I do miss my White Russians, though.

Plato said you can find out the true nature of the universe and existence by just shooting the breeze with a few other people. Aristotle said you'd figure it out through empirical inquiry, i.e. by our senses using science. A long time later a guy named Hume agreed that we could only know what we perceive through our senses, but he said that our senses give us no reason to believe that our senses are reliable. We have the idea of causality, that one billiard ball causes another to move when they collide, but we've never actually seen a cause. We just see one ball move, then the other move and assume one caused the other. We have no real reason to believe in things we've observed like cause and effect or gravity, 'cause we never actually really observed them. It's all just superstition, thinking that things will happen once again the same way that they happened before. Still, he admitted that the idea of causality has some usefulness in daily life and to humor the idea of gravity he would leave through the door instead of the window. Ok, why'd I type all that.

I guess in a recent stretch of life marked by skepticism, doubt, and general existential angst (I know Hume wasn't an existentialist, I'm simply expanding on a theme now) I had a "leave through the door" kind of day yesterday. Yesterday Jeni and I went out and got here WA driver's license and our WA plates for our car. This took a few hours of waiting in the D.O.L. (Department of Licensing) and the auto registration place (two different places). Now, believe it or not, sometimes I just love doing this kind of stuff. When life it at its lowest, it's the most menial tasks which take on the greatest meaning. When you don't know why you go on living from day to day, you know it's a cold hard fact that you need to renew your registration to keep driving. Suddenly, out of nowhere, in at least one small microcosm of life: meaning. Suddenly, going to the D.O.L. is the purpose of my life, and in going to the D.O.L. I find true fulfillment.

Whoa, there. Don't pick up the phone to call the heresy police just yet. I know that you can't find true fulfillment in menial, human invented, tasks. All I'm saying is that sometimes you can humor the illusion and the outcome is much the same in the short run.

More coming tomorrow, maybe. I may write about some adventures in various kinds of social activity with various degrees of success. Tune in next time, same Matt-time (sometime), same Matt-channel (darkbeerisathrillride.blogspot.com)...

3 Responses to “A Post!”

  1. # Blogger Pappy McVulgar

    Matt,
    I am sorry that I do not relate to some of what you are sharing. I am thankful for a person like you in my life. When I say I miss talking to you or Jeni I meant it. You have been a very real person to me. I admire this greatly. Sometimes it is hard to comment from a place of fear and confusion as well.
    I do hope and pray that you can grind through these days. If I can offer something I will gladly offer it. I will be in the Medford, Oregon area in Mid |August...perhaps we can met somewhere in the region and visit?  

  2. # Blogger Jenevieve

    denenenenenenenedenenenenenenene MATT-Man!!!!!  

  3. # Blogger Andrew Seely

    Know you are much loved and I miss hanging out so much.  

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