Matt's blog

The story of me, an American in Edinburgh, Scotland finding my place as a musician, a husband, a father and a Christian.

The Best of "" - The Next Seven Months

Today we present the seven months of Sears, cycling and Subway from March, 2003 to October, 2004.

Much to my dismay, Peter has not grown Brokaw's head on his shoulder.
Also, for the first time in my life last night I got a Fortune Cookie fortune that was not only way too specific, but just plain bad advice.

“Participation in sports may lead you to a lucrative career.”

... I much prefer a fortune I had received at an earlier date.

“You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.”

Upon showing this fortune to my brother he promptly responded with, “Yeah… the Green Party!!!” That must be one of the top 5 funniest things I heard in 2002.
May I never go slimeless again.
Unobtainium dude, Unobtainium.
I also think it would be great if the “E” in the “SEARS” sign suddenly burnt out. The one in NoHo says ”_EARS”, so there is hope.
At the risk of sounding gay, I will say that I’ll see pretty much anything that Tom Cruise is in.
So I'm at work, trying to be normal. Then some customers call their kid who must be only 4 years old to come back over to them. The kid turns around and runs right into a rack of clothes. I immediately take action. "Watch ewoot!" I sound, completely unaware of my disregard for the local vernacular.

...Anyway, the sooner I move to Canada the better. As my brother said about Canadians, "They're just Mexicans in sweaters." I think we can all find comfort in that.
In other news...

I got hit by a car!!!

In better news...

I rX0rd the car!!!
A.J.'s Recent Monetary Expenditures with Commentary

6 Plastic Hangers
$1.54 at Sears

I needed hangers. These ones were cheap. I used my amazing 10% discount and my Sears Mastercard. At that price I would only need to buy 2338 hangers to qualify for a Sears Premiere card.
The following is an classic that must be presented in its entirety:

So the other day at the Sears I was down working at the Men’s Cashwrap. “Cashwrap” is a word that exists only in Sears as far as I can tell. It is a conglomeration of registers and poorly made bags in a counter-ish enclosure. Men’s is right by the main entrance to the store so we get a lot of people coming in to make payments on their credit cards. They just come in and go to the first register they see.

So this woman was making a payment. Yup. She couldn’t speak the English. So I’m trying to walk her through her writing of a check from the safe distance of a foreign language. She gets to the part where she must write the name of who may cash said check. I proceed to point at my name badge that says “Sears” on it. She writes this down. When she hands me the check I look at it and notice it does not say “SEARS” but “SARS”. I find this very funny but must continue. My quest: Put the “E” in “SARS”. So I point at it and say “E”.

Being of the Hispanic persuasion she writes an “I”. I then try to remember back to my high school days and the 4 years I spent taking 2 years of Spanish. My brain proceeds to tell me “E”=”eh”. My body decides to ignore this advice and proceeds to make the common sign for the number “3” in my right hand. I then move my hand in such a fashion as to illustrate drawing the 3 lines that are required to turn an “I” into and “E”. Amazingly, she understood. She then hands me the check again. She has left the amount line blank because she doesn’t know how to write “twenty”. I write it for her. I suppose I could have written it all myself, but that wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining.
Man, when God decided to make the cashew... so incredibly on the ball.
So it turns out that there are alot of Asian people on the Friendster. Also, there are alot of Asian people in general, but not many asian generals, at least not Japanese ones.
A story from Subway:

“I’ll get a footlong Monterey Cheddar… (brain realizes something is off but proceeds anyway) on Pastrami.”

I then commence laughing at myself in that kinda silent, smirky, full body jerky sort of way. This goes on for a good two or three seconds before I double over and hit my head against the glass that protects all the sandwich makings. Thank God. If it wasn’t for that I would’ve had a normal, boring day. That is if I hadn’t seen Huell Howser crawl through the Colossal Colon later that evening.

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